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From what you are about to read onwards from here, on the next few pages, may make you think that
I've been a bit of a loose woman?. At my age now, older and a little wiser I hope?, I realise that I was looking for the love
and happiness that I never had as a child. I tried to find it in a man, I couldn't bring myself to say the words *love* to
the ones I did, I could only show them what I felt in the physical sense. So I hope that you won't think too badly of the
lost, lonely woman, trying to find 'true' love in her life?. I guess that real happiness can only come from within yourself?,
a little like true wisdom.
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So I had finally done it, I had broken free, it had taken me about 5 years wanting to do it, and
then I had done it so easily in the end!. I stayed with my, mum, stepdad Joe, and little brother, Derek, for a couple of weeks
whilst looking for a room. It felt really strange to think of living on my own, I had never really done this before, and it
felt a little daunting. I don't know why it felt like that?, it's not like I'd ever been living in a 'close' family enviroment
is it?. I looked at quite a few places, but they never seemed 'right'?.
My friend, Carol, whom I worked with, took me upto the place where her sister, Cindy, lived, up
Amersham hill. I had known, Cindy, from meeting her at, Carols, place a couple of times and going with her and, John, to see
'ZZ Top' in around 1985 at Wembley. It's funny when I think of it, when I was in my teens, and we used to walk to town,
I always used to dream of living in one of these big old houses, now, in a roundabout way, my dream was coming true. It was
a great 3 story Victorian house, and it was huge!!. I loved it there and then. The room was massive!, it had it's own kitchenette
and three 6ft sash windows, the ceiling was very high up, and it had a beautiful old Victorian fireplace in the middle of
the outer wall. I agreed to take it, for the first time in my life I was going to be self sufficient. I moved in about
a week later, the landlay had even put up pink curtains at the sash windows, it looked great, considering the walls were painted
a really pale green. The others in the house mock scoffed, they had all got drab brown coloured curtains!.
I put myself in debt by getting furniture and starting from scratch really, pots and pans, cups,cutlery,you
name it, I needed it, but I eventually got it all,even a washing mashine in my kitchen bit, I was not going to stand and wash
my clothes by hand!. A few of the older women I worked with even gave me some old kitchen and house stuff to carry on with.
I used to have to get up at 5am in the mornings,Id be the first one in the bath at that time of the morning,after all,there
was 9 people living at Amersham Hill at the time, and they were all working, so the mornings got pretty hectic for the bathrooms
and hot water, in the evenings?, just forget it!!.
Every Friday and Saturday night was spent upstairs with Cindy, Carol, Carols boyfriend, Bob, and
Carols ex husband, John. We used to play Trivial Persuits, Scrabble and Pictionary until around 3am, we'd always have some
very decent music on in the background too, usually something like The Alan Parsons Project or Pink Floyd. We also used to
smoke loads of joints too, this is where I started to actually smoke, it's funny, I spent all of those years with people that
smoked and took drugs, and I hardly ever touched them?. I used to chew the odd pieces of dope here and there, even have it
sprinkled over Pizzas in a local pub, but here I was rolling my own cigarettes!. I think the smoking on my own started wneh
I was sat alone late at nights ot sometimes at the weekend, I'd sit with a cup of tea, and because I was bored on my own,
I'd nibble at biscuits etc, I didn't want to get fat, so I started to have a ciggie with my cup of tea instead. We also used
to take turns in cooking dinner on Friday nights, we used to have great fun. Later on in the evenings, Pete and Elaine, a
young couple that lived upstairs used to come in and join the crowd of us.
Oh yes,t he first week I had moved into the room, I was laid asleep one night, and there was a knock
on my door. I panicked, who the hell was that knocking at my door in the small hours?. I had a flimsy little nighty on that
my mum had given me, I never wore nightclothes before Amersham Hill, I only wore them then because I was so cold in my little
bed at nights. Anyway, I opened the door and it was a young bloke called, Mark, from upstairs, he had come to introduce himself.
I made sure I stood next to my fridge, I had a pot or carving knices on there, just in case..... After a couple of minutes,
he went off. I never encountered him again as long as I lived there.
Vernon, would come around my place at Amersham hill when I'd finished work, and he'd stay for a
couple of hours, all we used to do was shag anyway, maybe have the odd cup of tea inbetween?. One time,I got caught in the
act by the landlady, she came knocking at the door whilst we were in the middle of me being muffed, what an inconsiderate
cow eh?hahaha. I paid her the rent and then got back to what we were doing. We were actually shagging on the floor on a bed
cover, I only had the silly childsize bed, and it's not as good when you are in the throws of ecstacy, when you have to be
careful not to fall off the bed is it?!hahaha. Vernon also used to come around on a Saturday afternoon. Of course, all we
would do was the shagging, but I didn't mind, that was all I really wanted from him I suppose?, but it was only later that
I could see that. He was always telling me he loved me, I used to fantasise about being with him and assumed that I loved
him also?. The afternoons when I was with, Vernon, always left me pale faced,peaceful and tired, he would make me come at
least 14 times in an afternoon, what a great way to stay slim!!!, hahaha. I had spent my life being with people, now my life
was my own, no ties, no being told what to do, not that I'd have taken any notice anyway, but it was nice not to have to argue,
or feel resentful towards people. But then, Vernon, started making noises about moving in with me, he was saying about bringing
his weights etc, gawd, he'd have filled my bloody room up with his junk!. One night I got up and felt really strange,I went
to the loo and nearly fell over into the bath. When I explained how I felt to one of the ladies I worked with,she said that
it sounded like I was heading for a nervous breakdown?. Yes, from one prison into another,Vernon, loved shagging me, but he
was always trying to change the person that I was. I wasn't allowed to go to parties with my brother, Paul, in case I got
stoned and went off with someone else. I'm not a loose woman, so that was crap. I wasn't to drink beer from pint glasses.
I wasn't to swear ,burp, fart, you name it,I wasn't allowed to do it in front of prissy, Vernon, it wasn't ladylike!!!. Hah!
and just how long did he think all that crap would last?. I am what I am, and I won't change for anyone!. I must admit though,
I did try and be the woman that, Vernon wanted me to be, but I would have never been able to keep up the charade for very
long. If you love someone, you let them be who they are, not whom you want them to be.
Anyway, after around 6 months, he never turned up like he said he would one evening. I was really
worried, so I got, Bob, Carols, boyfriend, to phone, Vernons, house, and pretend that he was a friend of Vernons. Bob told
him that he had a little friend that was worried about him,Vernon said that he'd see me on the Saturday. Then a few minutes
later the phone rang, it was Vernon, he rambled on and said that his wife had found out, that one of his workmates had told
her. I cried, I felt like my spirit had been broken and I kept saying "I thought you loved me?", he was always telling me
he did. He didn't turn up on the Saturday, I didn't think he would somehow?. On the Sunday I went and looked for him, he was
working a few miles away, the other side of town, I walked all of the way, but couldn't find him. When I got back home, I
phoned his house up, his wife answered and she started on about that I had been sleeping with all of his friends etc, that
was a bloody lie for a start!, but I suppose I would have said the same thing if I had been in that situation?. His little
girl in the background shouted out "tell her to piss off mum!", I smiled to myself, I knew where the little one was coming
from too. I did tell her that I wasn't the only woman that, Vernon, had been having an affair with, he had told me this himself
that he had had other affairs before me. Then I got told something that certainly broke the spell, even the sexual one, that
Vernon had over me. I found out from his wife in that phone call, that they had had twins a few months before, Vernon, met
me, and one of them had died. I felt awful and ashamed and I told her that I was sorry for her child and sorry for the affair
with her husband, I truly meant these apologies with all of my heart too. So,that was that, done and dusted, what a bastard
eh?!!. That poor family. He had never uttered a single word about this. If he had?, there is no way that I would have gone
off with a man that had a tiny baby at home. When I think of it now,there is no way that I would ever want to split a man
and his family up anyway. I have to admit, I missed Vernon, I missed the sex with him, and I joked with my sister once, that
if women were able to rape men, I'm sure I would have done it?, hahahaha. It sounds crazy, but it was true and there is only
so much self gratification that you can do, even though it's better than nothing, it's just not the same as having someone
to share those few special moments with is it. Around three months later, very near Christmas, I got a phone call, it was,
Vernon, he said he missed me, and that he was going to come around and see me, I told him sure, but I might not be in when
you get here . So that was that, I was over him...
Six weeks after, Vernon, disappeared from my life, I was seeing, John, Carols, ex-husband, he followed
me downstairs one Friday night and came creeping in my room after me, I was a bit taken aback and a bit shocked, he tried
to kiss me and I told him to fuck off!, I don't think that was all he wanted to do me?. We had always flirted with one another
in, Cindys, room, but it still came as quite a shock, when here he was, trying to seduce me. John went off home with his tail
between his legs, I felt kind of awful and tried to phone him up, I got no answer. I think I was worried that he would say
something to, Carol, and that we'd all fall out?, but it was okay. The next Friday I did invite him in. We were laughing and
then soon in my little single bed and doing all of the usual things, sixty niners and such. It was kind of funny, even though
I was very slim then, John, was really skinny, and when we were shagging, his chest aginst my boobs used to make a kind of
farting noise?hahaha. I guess that's what a fanny fart sounds like?, I wouldn't know?, I've never done one of those. I think
I would be kind of embarrassed if I ever done that?. We didn't have the passion that
me and, Vernon, had had, but, John, did make me laugh, and we liked the same music etc, we even used to call him, the Druid,
because of his bald head with long hair around the edge.
But then after 6 months of seeing him, I found out that he was seeing someone else!, he was old
enough to be her father by all accounts, and she was the bosses daughter!, guess who got the sack when daddy found out?. So
another one bit the dust. I have to admit, he wasn't anything to look at, but I missed him really badly for another six months
or so afterwards I felt really,really down for a very long time afterwards. I missed him for his humour and underneath that
humour, he was quite gentle, I wasn't used to that. I kept writing him letters and telling him that I missed him and that
I loved him, I felt that I did, but when I was with him, I was always too afraid to tell him that I loved him. He never answered
any of my letters. I kind of distanced myself from, Carol, Bob, and the rest of them from that house, so I not only lost,
John, I lost my friends too. Carol was no longer working at the mill, she had moved on to pastures new. Still,one thing, whilst
seeing him, he did buy me the album of 'Radio Chaos' by Roger Walters
Even though I had left, Pete, I still used to go and see him for many months afterwards, on a Tuesday
after work. I still had the front door key and used to let myself in and cook us both dinner. I still used to go and see his
mum some dinnertimes from work too. But then a few people mentioned to me that they thought that me and, Pete, were getting
back together, so I kind of let it drift off and gave him his key back. I later found out from his, mum, that, Pete, thought
I was going back to him too?. I have to be honest, sometimes, in between boyfriends, and at times of being very lonely, I
did often think of going back to, Pete. It seemed an easy option, and at least I wouldn't be on my own anymore. But I'd start
thinking this and then the other side of me would think, 'no,you can't go back, you have got to brave this out. Just think
of all of the recriminations that you would get when he was pissed if you went back'
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